IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE CLASS BOSS
Hello boys and girls! I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to my kindergarten class. For the purpose of introduction, I am the class bully and so will be in charge of all candy distribution. You will not be allowed to get candy from anyone but me.
Now, you might be asking yourself, "Why should I have to buy my candy from this girl?"
The obvious answer is: I say I invented candy in the first place.
If you go elsewhere for candy, I will smear your name all over the playground about how dumb you are so your friends will not play with you. If in doubt, just remember what you've learned from your families experience with CPS.... then ask yourself if you really want to go up against anyone (like me) who would lie about you and twist your words, causing you untold pain and heartache. See why I am the obvious choice for your candy?
At some point in time there might be others who are qualified to sell candy to you. They will be given an opportunity to take my candy seller's course for $150, and at the time of their graduation, be pronounced 'good kids' (by me). You will know these people because I have given them my official Crayon stamp of approval, which I made up myself:) Their candy will be good because I pronounced it good. Remember though, these Certified candy sellers can be off my list anytime I say so.
To those of you who are complaining about me because others are giving out candy for free; I say just ignore these people because their candy is not as sweet as mine and might have poisoned razor blades in it. My candy is better because you had to pay me for it.
Besides, I invented candy in the first place. Remember?
In fact, I am going to tell the principal that the only reason they have candy to give away is because they stole it from me! Even though it is impossible to tell my candy from anybody else's, I will claim that it was mine, even though I do not account for my candy supply. I will get them in lots of trouble, and then I will be the only candy supplier.
For those of you who might be entertaining the notion of becoming candy suppliers yourself, I say good for you! Never mind there is no such thing as a 'candy suppliers license', or Candy Suppliers school, or any other organization which recognizes a certificate for such candy supplying in kindergarten. Just ignore this as well. I have set myself up as “Queen Bully of the Candy “. You will also need to forget the fact that my candy seller certificate is not a requirement anywhere.
CAUTION: The penalty for becoming a candy supplier without my express permission and without my official crayon scribble will make me very mad and I will put you on my “Bad Candy Suppliers List” and say all sorts of terrible things about you and make fun of you.
Never mind that the unauthorized candy suppliers have given candy away freely and without charge, and sometimes at great cost to themselves. I am the only child saying bad things about them but you can trust me (for no other reason than I said so). I realize that I answer to no one but myself, and there are monetary incentives for my wanting people to buy candy only from me and attend my candy seller's school.... again you have to just trust me (and may I remind you of the consequences if you don't trust me??: )
Do not listen to anyone who is trying to stop my candy selling/bully activities! These people are liars because I say so. I will add them to my 'Bad Candy Suppliers List' too.
I would like to thank all of my fellow kindergarten classmates who are now my new subjects, and look forward to a very long and happy (and for me prosperous) time together. Please take your place in line behind the few kids who are following me like so many ducks in a row. And may I commend my classmates for dismissing their discerning thoughts; the Bill of Rights is HIGHLY over-rated:) I will look forward to doing business with each and every one of you, either on the playground or in the principals office.
Your Class Bully,
Donna Sue Ostrum
