Asshole at Wal-Mart

Yesterday, coming out of the Wal-Mart on Bobby Jones, Benjy and I came across a car with a dog left in it. It was approximately 70 degrees, and even idiots know that a closed car can get hot enough to be deadly at relatively low temperatures.

Do you know the owner of this car?

Posted via Blogaway

Posted via Blogaway

Vegetarian Thanksgiving

All over America, the dead bodies of turkeys are roasting away in ovens. Sadly, my home is no exception. This year, due to my husband's disabling health issues and my mother's arthritis, the task of "preparing" the corpse fell to me. This involved separating the skin from the flesh and stabbing holes in the body in order to maximize the effect of the marinade.

Since this is an activity I do not wish to be asked to repeat, I decided to approach the distasteful task with a large dose of one of my favorite exhibitions - insanity. (I even put in my hearing aids so I could reap maximum benefit from the horror expressed by my family.)

As I separated the skin from the "meat," I commented at length about the ripping sound I was making with the extremely large,  extremely sharp, knife my husband was now probably regretting having handed me. I talked about how cool it would be to make a Halloween mask out of vivisector skin, and if it would be possible to to make such a mask for an actual turkey to wear for Halloween, and also expressed interest in acquiring a turkey to be my superhero sidekick.

It was at this point that I had to make the hole in the "meat." I did so vigorously,  while making Friday The 13th stabbing sound effects. Then, as I was rubbing the last of the marinade on the outside skin, I repeatedly muttered, "It puts the lotion on its skin."

Once I was done, I said that I was now considering becoming a serial killer in order to hone my technique. I also suggested that my husband and mother give me an enemies list to get me started.

By this point they were speechless,  and sure to never give me such a task again, leaving me to make all the rice dishes and pies I can dream up. And everyone knows how strongly I feel about pie.

The day my worldview changed

It was the middle of August, 1994. Her name was Michelle Mitchell, or so she claimed. She demanded that I allow her into my house. Once inside, she cryptically told me "someone in the community" had "concerns" about my children. She sat down on my couch as if the house belonged to her, not me and my family.

This was my first experience with being falsely accused of child abuse. It was terrifying. I asked to call my husband, my grandfather, my mother....the answer was no. Could I call a lawyer? Again, the answer was no.

So, in a weird parody of a social visit, I sat; helpless to resist as I was forced to answer question after question, all intensely personal. The interrogation lasted two and a half hours. Every time I balked at answering a question I thought was not relevant or too intensely personal, Michelle Mitchell would threaten to note me as "uncooperative," and made veiled and not so veiled threats about taking my children from me. During most of this, Rickey, my older boy, was hopping around, making "ribbit" noises...and I was sure it would count against us in some way.

Up to this point in my life I lived, breathed, and positively exuded peace, love, and a hippy-dippy desire to make the whole world join together in a gigantic, sloppy group hug.

All my harmonious dreams were gone within a split second of hearing, "If you don't answer my question, I may decide your children aren't safe with you." (In case you're wondering,  that first question was, "How old were you when you first had sex?" And my 4 year old son was right there in the room!) That was all it took to turn me from a friendship bracelet wearing, rainbow loving earth mother into a vicious mother bear - or maybe a mother hyena would be a better description.

I kept a placid expression on my face., and did my best to show submission to this monster who had invaded my family's space. I gave all the "right" answers and willed myself not to seem defensive. At the same time, I would glance down at my hands and then at the monster's neck...trying desperately to remember wht I knew about breaking necks. As I calmly described my "philosophy of parenting" I was deciding which would be more efficient: strangulation or neck-breaking.... Either way, I was ready to end her if she gave so much as a hint that my children weren't "safe" with me. I worried about whether I would scar Rickey for life, or if my new baby, Benjy, would cry if I had to put him down. (He always wanted to be held and I had never put him down and let him cry.)

As all these thoughts swirled around in mt head, along with the occasional "ribbit" from Rickey, I forced myself to keep my breathing steady and kept a smile on my face. Inside, I was coiled, ready to pounce at a millisecond's notice. Finally, it was over. After two and a half hours, Michelle Mitchell was done with me. Or maybe she just got bored, I don't expect to ever know.

After I closed the front door on her retreating back, I started to shake from all the adrenaline, oxytocin,  and whatever hormonal soup was swishing around inside me after maintaining a fight or flight response for such an extended perioed of time. I finally, viscerally, understood motherhood. I understood not in my heart, but in my bones, what it means to be willing to not only die for my children, but to kill for them.

I would never see violence and non-violence in the way I had earlier that day.Ever since then, when I hear someone say "Violence isn't the answer," I always reply, "It depends on the question. "

All I need to know I learned watching Burn Notice

I love Burn Notice. I love the Miami scenery, all the adventures, and especially the little tips done as voice overs.

I've come across lists people have made of "Stuff I Learned From Michael Westen," but none of them seemed detailed enough. Plus, some of his inventions do seem a bit farfetched - so I want to test them where possible. (Of course I do! Don't you?)

So, starting with season one, episode one - here's my Michael Westen wisdom from the pilot episode:

1)To avoid breaking your handbones in a fight, choose a location with lots of hard surfaces to smash your opponent into, like a bathroom.

2)If you are going to collapse on a plane, try to do so in business class.

3)When trying to hide, choose a place where your pursuers will stand out.

4)Take advantage of any distractions available.

5)Use delivery uniforms to automatically gain trust and access to places where you're not wanted.

6)To figure out if someone's following you, drive like a stupid person - slow down, speed up, use the wrong turn signal, etc.

7)Once you make your tail, just keep it up until they make a mistake and you can lose them.

8)Fake bombs are great attention getters.

9)A good money launderer is like a yellow pages for criminals.

10)No amount of training can make a broken rib (really, a broken anything) not hurt.

11)When going somewherre you don't belong, always look and act like you actually do belong there. It also helps to act confused.

12)Fighting for the little guy is for suckers, so do it as fast as possible and be done with it. Your mileage may vary, especially if an underdog always makes you think of Jesus looking for that one sheep.

13)When cornered, powerful people are unpredictable. Consider eavesdropping to get a heads up.

14)Don't attack or shoot through a reinforced door. Distract and go around.

15)A car wreck can make a bad guy late to a kidnapping.

16)The key to fighting a group is to take out the leader. Michael Weston calls this "bully psychology" and suggests dropping to the ground, pretending to be hurt and/or afraid. When the bully leans over you, jump up and head butt him (or her - I'm a feminist) under the chin.

17)Don't be surprised or hurt if/when a "friend" (ie someone you trust) betrays you. Expect it and prepare for it.

18)When you know someone is coming for you, especially if you are alone, you can set things up to your advantage and prepare for everything you can.

19)When faking someone's prints on a gun, don't forget the inside.

There were two MacGuyver like inventions in this episoode:

1)The spliced together cell phones made into a bug. I don't know how reliable this would be since calls can drop, plus smething that big could be easily found. There are products on the market that could probablly do the same thing wiithout breaking the bank.

2)The .357 loaded withh blanks and duct taped to a flare. This seems promising. I'm going to look into giving friends with country property the puppy dog eyes so I can try it out.

I am lucky!

The other day, I started feeling a bit sorry for myself after an online misunderstanding escalated because I chose to stay out of someone else's dustup. Nothing I said seemed to make a difference and I was discouraged.

But then this morning I realized that if this was the worst thing to happen to me all week, I am so damn much luckier than 99% of God's other creations. And this has been a wonderful week for me!

I have spent the past week in a beautiful home, surrounded by loving family, working hard, being useful, being happy. I got to spend time with Yemaya at the ocean. Even though this week took a lot of physical and spiritual energy, I am going home better than when I arrived.

Thank you Jesus and Yemaya!

Afternoon At The Park

First we fed the ducks and got to see a turtle.

Then we took a little nature walk.

Then we went to the swings.

And now we're off to get ice cream!

After a busy afternoon, and a lap full of strawberry milkshake, it's time to relax!

Camellia Seeds

Because Camellia seeds ripen quickly, then fall to the ground and go bad, we tie them up before they fall. That way, the seeds are useable.

Iranian Motorbike Fail

Boy, howdy does this guy feel like a dumbass....

BINGO! (just kidding)

Richard Webster loves Bingo. And you'd better not mess with his Bingo. He will arrest you if you do.

Austin Whaley learned this fact the hard way - and his learning experience came with handcuffs. Eighteen year old Austin, and a group of friends, were visiting a Bingo parlor in Covington, Kentucky, when they concluded that Bingo was very boring.

Determined to liven up everyone's evening, Austin yelled out, "BINGO!" That's when his troubles started. Because Richard Webster loves his bingo.

Richard arrested Austin for disorderly conduct, which is a legal term meaning, "You have pissed me off, I don't like your attitude, and I think you're an ass hat."

An angry Richard explained that this kind of behavior was like going to a baseball game and randomly  yelling, "STRIKE 3!"  And everybody knows that will be the very moment that the world will go to hell in a paint bucket, ushering in the apocalypse.

Judge Douglas Grothaus apparently also takes his Bingo seriously. Instead of sentencing Austin to jail time, where he would be able to shout, "BINGO!" unmolested (at least until someone got sick of him and stabbed him to death with a shiv made from a toothbrush), Hiz Onner ruled that Austin would be prohibited from saying, "Bingo" for 6 months.

So, boys and girls, the world is now safe from evil criminals who shout, "The Bingo hall is on fire!" in a crowded theater.  Meanwhile Richard is still hanging out at the Bingo hall, waiting for his ship to come in.