Prince Charles and the Pestiferous Squirrel

Great Britain is campaigning to eradicate the American Eastern Gray Squirrel.  It seems that the American squirrels carry a disease called "squirrel-pox" that is killing off the red squirrels native to Britain.









Hmmm.  Native American creatures killing off European creatures with exotic diseases? Even 500 years later, the irony is unmistakable. Situational irony to be specific, but unmistakable.

Not quite ironic, but still weird as all hell - the British have really taken to eating squirrels - the American squirrel, that is.

You can order squirrel in British restaurants.  Hunters carry aluminum foil with them so they can cook up a little snack right there in the woods.

Amazingly, squirrels are popular on menus all over Britain.  This is reported matter-of-factly in various media outlets without even one note of banjo music and absolutely no mention of hillbillies.

Prince Charles has thrown his influence behind what I've decided to call "Operation Squirrel Slaughter" and made an impassioned speech on the subject at the launch of the Red Squirrel Survival Trust. I will assume that His Royal Highness is really fired up over the squirrels but it's impossible to tell.  Prince Charles is, after all, a man who, when his car was attacked in the street, did not bat an eyelash.

Prince Charles giving the "squirrel speech"

Prince Charles as his car is attacked

The car window was shattered, buckets of paint were thrown, people screamed "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" and the man sat like a statue.  Oh, and did I forget to mention?  During this

meleé his wife was POKED WITH A STICK!  And still Prince Charles sat there, looking all pressed and dressed in his immaculate dinner jacket.

I readily admit that I'm not a huge fan of rigid gender roles.  But if my husband, The Long Suffering Rick, were to sit primly by while a screaming poor person (or a screaming rich person) poked me with a stick....let's just say we would have words.  Those words would be loud, multisyllabic, and quite possibly audible to Prince Charles all the way across the Atlantic.

Crickey!  That barmy American bitch is screaming again!

 

Studies in Contrast

Well, things on the lawsuit front have been quiet lately, but that
isn't stopping "The Chicken Woman" (TCW) from continuing her tirade
while hiding behind an imaginary "friend" while swearing that this
"friend" is 1) real, not imaginary and 2) actually likes her.
She does this in a .pdf file on her - oops her "friend's - website.

Drawing on her superior social skills, TCW calls me a "bleached blond
bimbo."  Well, I am a bleached blond. I am also pretty hot for
a grandmother.  Well, okay, I'm pretty hot compared to
anybody.  Wikipedia defines a "bimbo" as "a woman who is
physically attractive but has a low intelligence or poor education" or
"a woman who acts in a sexually promiscuous manner."
Hmmmm.  How do you spell D-E-F-A-M-A-T-I-O-N?

TCW (or her imaginary "friend") runs on at the mouth for FOUR PAGES
about me. She has nothing really bad to say about me....just playground
insults and innuendo.   And playground insults are
always a sign jealousy, instead of true contempt.  TCW makes
much of the fact that I am fortunate enough to be able to help
others.  I don't announce it when I am able to make someone's
life a little easier, but TCW seems to have made a hobby out of doing
so.

I have an amazing life that TCW can't even begin to wrap her head
around.  Everything I am is everything she's not, and it is
obviously eating at her.  I have a loving, devoted husband who
absolutely adores me.  I have two children who love me and who
are very protective of me. I see my beautiful granddaughter every
day.  I am attractive.  I am well traveled.  I live in a beautiful
house.  I am respected and liked by people involved with
Family Rights.

In other words, it's not pretense if you really have it.  So without further ado.........

This is TCW's house.


Photo via El Paso County, Colorado Tax Assessor


And this is my house:


Photo courtesy William Wiseman

You might be a (@PETA friendly) redneck.....

* You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.

* You have ever spit tobacco juice on an vivisector.

* You go mud-boggin' and set the dawg in the cab of the truck and make the people sit in back.

* Your dawgs PREFER to lie under the porch.

* Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".

* The photo on your driver's license includes your dawg.

* You've ever used a BB gun to protect your chickens from a predator.

* You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

* You ever used a weed eater indoors.

* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a can of beans and a six pack.

* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

* Jack Daniels ties with @IngridNewkirk on your list of "most admired people".

* You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

* The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

* You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!

* Your dawg is worth more to you than the truck you drive her around in.

* Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

* You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

* You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.

* You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

* You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

* You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

* You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

* The people on the Jerry Springer show remind you of your neighbors.

* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

* You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

* You can get dawg hair from out of your belly button.

* You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there is a law aggin' it.

* You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

* You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

* You believe Moon Pies are a major food group.

* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.


Tags: Dorothy Kernaghan-Baez, AFRA, family rights, twitter, cyber-dissident, tarot cards, psychic, DFACS, Georgia, politics, redneck, peta, Ingrid Newkirk, pick up truck, white trash, junk car, humor

White Trash Front Yard Contest!

Yesterday was a rough beginning to Christmas week. It had some weirdness and some absurdly comic elements, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let me start at the beginning.....

Early yesterday morning, my 70 year old mother had eye surgery. She was so uncomfortable after the procedure that she was twitching, skaking, and crying. So I showed my ass a little bit and convinced those in charge that it would be best for all concerned (especially them) if my mother was given a shot for her pain.

I finally got Mom home, tucked her into her recliner and started popping Percocets into her mouth. She settled down, and slept comfortably. At least I hope she slept comfortably - I stopped asking her if she was okay every 10 minutes because I figured that if I kept it up, she might decide to kill me.

Then my 18 year old brought home a puppy that he had bought his girlfriend for Christmas. I'm not even going to go into my moral objection to giving living creatures as gifts. Suffice it to say that my child made a decision of questionable morality (in my eyes) and then brought the product of said decision into a house already filled with 2 and 4 legged family members. (Our family motto seems to be, "Anything nobody wants can come and live with us!") Pandemonium ensued.

Next, my 14 year old somehow managed to literally explode the toilet in his brother's bathroom. Momentarily setting aside the question of why the hell he wasn't using his own bathroom, let me just say that the toilet sounded like a cherry bomb going off. It was not a cherry bomb - I took all those away last summer - but some sort of freakish air pocket in the sewage lines. That's right - sewage. I must really be a bad mother. Poor kid came running, "Mama! Help!" The first words out of my mouth were, "For the love of all that's holy - don't touch me!" We worked for hours cleaning up the mess and trying to figure out how to fix the damn toilet. We didn't call the plumber because we made a collective, only briefly spoken, decision - we did not want to explain to a stranger that our house was spawning exploding toilets.

Before I go on I need to point out that I live in a tres tres upscale neighborhood. Houses in this area go from half a million to a million. Dollars, not copeks. This is an important element in explaining the absurdity that followed.

As this latest adventure was winding down, there was a knock at the door. It was a policeman. He had ventured across the threshold of normalcy into the lunatic asylum I call home to inform me that one of my neighbors had made a complaint about my family's "junk cars." I am not making this up: The cars in question are ones that we DRIVE. Not cars up on blocks with transmissions hanging from trees. Cars that we DRIVE. Older cars. Maybe rust spots in places, but fully tagged, insured and DRIVEN.

So, considering the end of the day, and how absolutely pissed off I am that some pretentious idiot living with all flash and no cash thinks our vehicles are unacceptable....I'm taking suggestions for some seriously tacky things I can do in my front yard. I've already considered moving my clothesline out there, but I'm really looking for seriously creative ideas.

Come on....have some holiday spirit and enter the "White Trash Front Yard Contest!"

Send me an email with your idea.


Tags: Dorothy Kernaghan-Baez, AFRA, family rights, twitter, cyber-dissident, tarot cards, psychic, DFACS, Georgia, politics, humor, opthamology, morphine, white trash, puppies, stupidity, junk car, police